


Double Life

by faithful_lie



Series: Yoongi, I'm sorry... [4]
Category: CROSS GENE, K-pop, Red Velvet (K-pop Band), VIXX, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Crying, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderqueer Character, Genderqueer Yoongi, Hurt/Comfort, Nonbinary Character, Other, Outing, other people get to pick up the mess, someone else is very shitty about it, someone gets outed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 15:03:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10721730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithful_lie/pseuds/faithful_lie
Summary: Suga had been able to conceal their true feelings about their gender until now. They never wanted to be exposed like this.





	Double Life

**Author's Note:**

> on aff [here](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1046500/)

"I-it's not all the time..."

They stuttered, fingering the hem of their dress, tugging anxiously at the delicate lace. If they kept this up they might just tear a hole. They felt the need to fill the silence surrounding them, to... explain somehow. Their demeanour was incredibly different from when they'd first skipped up to the table with a cheerful smile, accompanied by a happy greeting. They'd daintily twirled in their short dress, confident in the knowledge that they were wearing shorts underneath and wouldn't flash anyone, before handing out menus with a flourish to the four guys sitting around this particular table.

That was just a few minutes ago, before they'd realised just who they were serving in their happy, currently female presenting, work mode. Now the customers were staring at them in stunned silence and Suga felt far too hot under their gazes. All thoughts about waitressing gone, they shifted awkwardly, unable to continue. A flush that was far from the delicate blush that often adorned their cheeks when they wore this particular outfit took over their face. The makeup that they had so painstakingly applied felt like a mask. The beautiful maid dress they prized was reduced to a farce, a facet of a false persona. It had been ruined for them. These people would only be seeing the person supposedly underneath, but that wasn't them!

Suga couldn't meet their eyes. They couldn't look directly at these guests, because they knew these four guys. And they had, of course, recognised Suga as their friend Yoongi. Suga wasn't even wearing a wig, glasses or anything that would obscure their face today, not that that would have helped.

The first one to react was Jungkook. He stood up silently, avoiding looking at Suga all together and walked straight to the door, leaving the cafe. Suga didn't know how to feel about that. They glanced at the others left around the table to see Seokjin's eyes blazing, glaring at the door the youngest had just left through.

Suga had specifically applied for work here because they had never imagined it to be the kind of place their friends would come to. Ever. But they'd been wrong. So wrong. A café run under an LGBT organisation, a safe space, a place run by queers for queers. He had never thought his friends would even find it, let alone actually turn up.

Namjoon's face was completely blank, or maybe that was just the impression those damned tinted circular sunglasses were giving. By his side, Seokjin was still seething and Suga wasn't exactly sure what he was so angry about. Just please don't let it be me they wished. Hoseok though, Hoseok looked to be on the verge of either tears or laughter and Suga stepped back swiftly, almost slipping over in their low heels. They were only saved from falling by a colleague who happened to catch them, setting them carefully back on their feet and laying a protective hand on their waist.

"Everything alright, sweetie?" Hakyeon chirped, not moving away. He'd clearly sensed the atmosphere, maybe even overheard some of the very minimal conversation, as he moved a little in front of Suga protectively, and faced the table. Suga was one of the most capable wait staff, and rarely became flustered. "Are you upsetting my staff?" Suga couldn't quite bring themself to explain, limiting themself to clutching the back of Hakyeon's crisp white shirt.

Seokjin turned his burning gaze on Hakyeon, but the man didn't even flinch. After a moment, Seokjin's eyes softened and flickered to Suga.

"No." His voice was soft and considered. "I think perhaps our other friend did, by walking out. But we're not trying to upset Yoongi," Suga flinched at the name and they were sure Hakyeon felt it, "we just didn't know he worked... somewhere like this."

"Somewhere like this?" Hakyeon's voice was ice cold, every syllable enunciated deliberately, offence colouring his tone. Namjoon finally moved, raising his hands placatingly and leaning forward a little, a neutral expression on his face.

"Please don't misunderstand, we aren't trying to insult your establishment or your staff. We've never been here before and we came with open minds..." He paused for a second, considering, before taking off his glasses so that he could look Suga in the eyes. "Or at least most of us did." Hakyeon huffed. "It's just that we know 'Suga' by a different name. He - uh, she - is one of our friends?" It ended up being more of a question than a statement but Suga could feel themselves relaxing a tiny bit; Namjoon was at least trying - they couldn't expect him to guess right, not really – and in addition, he looked sincere Suga saw when they lifted their eyes from the floor.

"Mm, we were just surprised!" Hoseok joined in, breaking out into a genuine smile that warmed Suga to the bones. They felt Hakyeon relax just the tiniest bit before he turned to face them, concern on his face.

"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" He bent down a little to meet Suga's eyes as they nodded. It felt like someone had stolen their voice and they couldn't form the words to say anything. Plus their head was spinning like a merry go round and they could barely think straight. Hah - straight! They barked a sharp and unnatural laugh as they noticed that thought going by. The look of concern on Hakyeon's face deepened and he replaced his hand on Suga's waist as he redirected his attention to the three guys at the table. "I'm not going to kick you out, I can see you didn't mean any harm although you may have caused some." Hoseok's smile only faltered the tiniest bit but Suga saw. "I'll get someone else to serve you for now." Then he turned away, guiding Suga to walk with him. "Come on, let's go have a little chat, yeah." Suga only snuffled in response, not trusting their voice. They were kind of happy that Hakyeon hadn't kicked their friends out for their ignorance but at the same time, their presence was stressing them out because _they knew_.

And Jungkook knew and he had just left.

Hakyeon jabbed another member of wait staff in the side. Kevin whipped around, outraged, his perfectly made up face morphing into a pissed off scowl, and his hair flying out as he fumbled with his notepad, almost dropping it but not quite.

"What!?" His posture changed - softened - when he laid eyes on Suga however and he quickly agreed to split Suga's tables with Irene for the foreseeable future. He blew Suga a kiss before darting away to find his colleague.

Suga allowed themselves to be lead, ultimately finding themselves in one of the many rooms branching from the corridor at the back of the café, sat on a sofa and leaning back against the comforting warmth of Takuya whilst Hakyeon made them a drink. Takuya shifted a little, humming to himself. He didn't question Suga at all, knowing that they would speak when they were ready. Instead, he provided support in his silence.

"They didn't know, did they?" Hakyeon said as he set Suga's drink down. Suga couldn't raise their eyes from where they had fixated on the dark wooden floor. "Are they close to you?"

"They're my closest friends." Suga's voice cracked. "But I- I couldn't tell them. They wouldn't want to know." They started to panic as the realisation that they had just been outed finally started to properly sink in. "I didn't want them to know. They don't think the same way." Takuya's arms gently encircled them, but not too tight; he didn't want Suga to feel trapped. "And Jungkook, he..." Suga choked on their own voice, tears stinging their eyes. "No, no, no this make up isn't waterproof!" They felt absolutely hopeless as they wiped at their eyes frantically in a desperate attempt to stem the flow of tears.

"Hey, it's okay." Hakyeon said in a soothing tone, sitting on the coffee table in front of Suga.

"No, it's not," Suga spat, "I'm a mess and they were looking at me funny and they're not gonna understand!" Their voice rose in pitch and volume as they voiced all the thoughts they'd stored up, unable to tell anyone. "They're just gonna think I mistakenly want to be a woman or something. They won't see that that's wrong, that I'm neither, or that this is who I am!" Hakyeon listened calmly as Takuya rubbed soothing circles on the smaller individual's back. "I just- I want them to understand but I'm already too tired of having to explain. And they're close friends, maybe they'll be angry that I didn't tell them... until I had to..." They trailed off dejectedly, finally looking at Hakyeon, no longer bothering to wipe their tears. "I don't know what to do."

Hakyeon took a deep breath, leaning forward and meeting Suga's eyes.

"We talked about this before, remember? Coming out isn't ever going to be easy and I'm so sorry it had to happen like this when you weren't prepared for it." Suga nodded, listening closely. They treasured Hakyeon's advice. He could be flirty, excitable and downright crazy but he could also be incredibly clever and considered. Wise even. "But they didn't look mad, or at least not at you - maybe at your other friend. That should show you at least a little bit of acceptance. I honestly think that they were shocked - much like you - and perhaps, given a bit more time, they won't mind. They seemed pretty reasonable even if they perhaps said the wrong things. Don't write your friendships off just yet. But obviously value your mental health and safety over them. You still have all of us." With that he got up and joined Suga and Takuya on the sofa, joining the hug and helping Suga delicately dab at their eyes with a soft handkerchief produced from one of his apron's many pockets. After a little while Suga started to calm down, taking comfort from the two friends holding them close and whispering sweet nothings and constant encouragement.

"I'm sorry." They whispered. "I just felt overwhelmed."

"Don't be." Takuya replied fiercely, speaking for the first time after an uncharacteristically long period of silence. "You have every right to get upset. How are you feeling now?" Suga hummed uncertainly.

The door opened and Irene peeked in.

"How are you doing in here?" She stepped in and leant her back against the door to close it. "Suga, those guys were asking about you. The one with the plump lips wanted to see you but the blonde one made the others leave; he didn't want you to be uncomfortable. Namjoon, right? He says they'll wait for you to talk to them. And then the one with plump lips said he was gonna beat up the maknae?" A look of confusion flitted across her face as she said it. A slightly hysterical laugh slipped through Suga's lips as they remembered the fierce look Seokjin had on his face when Jungkook left. That sounded like him. But it put their mind back onto Jungkook and their stomach twisted uncomfortably. They didn't really know their friends’ stances on these sorts of issues – it had never come up – but, in walking out, Jungkook had made _his_ thoughts very clear.

"Okay," they managed to say, unsure just how to feel about, well, everything that had happened. Takuya gave them an extra squeeze. "Okay. Thank you." Suga whispered and Irene smiled and turned to leave, but not before she'd extracted a promise from Suga to call her later, to check in if nothing else, if they didn't see each other before then. Not long after she'd left, Takuya gently transferred Suga into Hakyeon’s arms so that he could go out and cover for them, closing the door behind himself with a warm smile.

Hakyeon pulled Suga closer still, until they were perched precariously in his lap.

“How are you feeling?” He asked softly, almost whispering.

“Weird…” They couldn't really explain how they felt. It almost seemed that they were watching themself from the outside, small, thin body curled into Hakyeon’s embrace, worry etched into their narrow face.

“Yeah?” Suga nodded, their head resting against Hakyeon’s shoulder, and their forehead pressed into the side of his long neck. “Weird in a bad way?”

“Don’t know.” Suga murmured, shrugging their shoulders a little. They couldn’t really tell what they were feeling; scared and unnerved and fluttery and odd. They didn’t know how to vocalise it.

“Okay,” Hakyeon hugged them a little tighter, “you must be feeling lots of things. I bet it’s confusing.” Suga hummed in confirmation. “You don’t need to finish this shift.” Hakyeon said after a pause. “But I’m m still paying you – no don’t protest, it’s non-negotiable.” Suga could feel tears brimming in their eyes again at their boss’ kindness. Hakyeon was the reason this place worked, the one who held all the staff together. “Now I’d better get out there and check that no one’s managed to burn the place down in my absence, but who would you like me to send back out to you? You can stay for as long or as little as you like before you go home, Suga. We’re here to look after you.”

“Irene,” Suga whispered just barely, sluggishly lifting themself out of Hakyeon’s lap and flopping to the sofa beside him.

“Will you be okay whilst I go get her?” Suga nodded a little distractedly, pulling their legs up and hugging them, completely disregarding the fact that they were still in a dress as they settled back to wait for Irene’s return. They just needed some kind of comfort, someone to distract them from what had happened.

It wasn’t long until the door reopened and a familiar face peeked around it. Relief flooded through Suga at her appearance.

“Suga?” Irene asked, slipping into the room and nudging the door closed with her foot, before crossing the room. When she reached the sofa she sunk down onto it immediately right in front of Suga, leaning forwards and wiping away the tears they hadn’t even realised had spilled with her fingertips. “Oh darling don’t cry. Do you want to go home?” Suga nodded, the tears suddenly increasing as Irene cooed at them. “Shall I get all your things?” They nodded again and Irene left to go fetch Suga’s things from their locker, coming back into the room a few minutes later with their hold all in one hand, and their parka in the other. “Here we are! I think this is everything, and I brought my own bag and coat too.” She sank down on the sofa beside Suga, placing the bags down on the table along with the parka and her own jacket.

Irene pulled her own bag into her lap and rifled through it quickly, pulling out a pack of wipes.

“I’m sorry,” Suga murmured, gazing down at their hands folded together in their lap.

“Honey, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Irene cooed, using one hand to tilt their head up so she could meet their eyes, a wipe in the other. Suga sniffed, trying to give a small smile. They watched Irene’s face as she started to gently remove their makeup, touch soft as she worked in silence. A soft smile drifted across her lips as she caught them looking. “We’ll get you all cleaned up. Close your eyes,” she murmured, carefully and methodically cleaning their entire face. Suga sat still, focusing on the light touches against their face, the coolness of Irene’s skin and the affection clear in her soft touch. “All done!” Suga opened their eyes to Irene’s serene face.

“Thank you,” they breathed, feeling a little better with the makeup gone. Next they needed out of the maid dress. “Will you help me with the laces?” They asked, shifting a little to face away from Irene who got the gist and unlaced first the apron and then the bodice of the dress itself, slowly pulling the ribbons through the eyelets.

“Shall I walk you home, honey?” Suga nodded and then tried to make a joke.

“See, I think you’re getting mixed up; my name’s actually Suga.” They didn’t expect it to work, but at the genuine giggle Irene released behind them, still working on the dress, Suga felt some comfort.

“Okay, Suga, let me walk you home?” Irene corrected herself. Suga nodded, getting a little restless as the dress came close to being lose enough to remove until, finally, they were able to stand and pull it off, uncaring of Irene’s presence. They just didn’t want it on their body anymore. Somehow though, removing it didn’t bring the relief they had hoped for; the discomfort stayed as a very real reminder of what had transpired.

Irene, meanwhile, had opening the hold all and found Suga’s clothes, placing them on the table as Suga kicked off their heels and shimmied out of the shorts they’d been wearing. They bent and picked up the oversized t-shirt they’d been wearing before their shift, pulling it on before they hastily peeled off the hold ups hugging their legs. They were replaced with soft grey joggers and fluffy socks. The socks weren’t theirs but Irene pressed them into their hands with a meaningful look and they didn’t feel particularly inclined to refuse. They sat down to put on their sneakers and, as they bent down to lace them up, the look in Jungkook’s eyes as he stalked out came back to them. An involuntary whine slipped from their lips but Irene was there immediately, talking to them softly.

“It’s okay, I’ll get you home and comfy.” They nodded, finishing doing up their sneakers and slipping on their parka as Irene repacked their bag. “You ready to go?” She asked, taking off her own apron and packing it away in her bag.

“Yeah,” Suga murmured, gathering up the hold all in their arms and hugging it to their chest. Irene took a moment longer to sort herself out and then she was ushering Suga back through the corridors to one of the staff entrances.

Suga made the walk back in silence whilst Irene chattered aimlessly beside them, holding their hand and carefully making sure that they didn't walk into anything. It actually surprised them when they found themselves outside their own front door, in the corridor leaning to their flat; they'd been so withdrawn they hadn't even taken note as they approached their home. Unlocking the door, they quickly stepped inside and toed off their sneakers, hearing Irene come in behind them. She followed as they shuffled to the living room and flopped down on the sofa.

A moment later, her footsteps receded only to return a few minute later. They found themselves suddenly buried in the soft down of the duvet Irene had just dropped on them and heard the low murmur of the TV in the background as Irene flitted about the flat. Suga didn't move, instead just listening, until the heat of the duvet and their parka combined became too much and they sat up, unzipping their parka and letting it slip to the floor. They collapsed back on the sofa and pulled the duvet in around themselves.

A few minutes passed before Irene swanned back in. She stopped in front of Suga with a sad smile on her face, leaning forwards to push their hair back from their face with gentle fingers.

"I've got to go, Suga," she said, "I've got to get the kids." Suga nodded. They'd kind of known that Irene couldn't stay for long; she was an au pair, and a good one. "I made you sandwiches and put them in the fridge, and I've written the username and password to my Netflix on that post-it." She pointed at a little yellow square stuck on the coffee table. "I'm sorry to leave you, will you be okay?" Suga took a moment to clear their throat before attempting to find their voice. It took a couple tries to even get up the courage to part their lips but Irene waited patiently with sad, sad eyes.

"I'll be fine," Suga rasped, their voice hoarse from the tears, "I'll text you." They licked their lips. "Or someone else... if I need to." Irene nodded.

"Sure," she replied, smiling again, "we'll answer. Take care, honey, I'll show myself out."

It took a long time after she'd gone, pulling the front door softly closed behind her, before they found the strength to move. They leaned forwards and picked up the post-it Irene had left, slowly going through the steps on their TV to get up Netflix and picking a show at random - they didn't really care what.

This time as they sat back, they pulled their holdall up into their lap, unzipping it and digging out their phone, thinking to text Hakyeon and ask for the morning off tomorrow. It didn't seem likely that they'd be in good shape for that shift after everything. As they unlocked their phone however, they discovered that they already had a message, but it wasn't from one of their friends or colleagues from the café. It was from Namjoon.

 

_Hey,_

_I didn't know what name to call you by so I decided not to. I'm really sorry about what happened today. I'm sorry we upset you, that was never our intention. We'll wait for you to contact us. Take care._

_Namjoon_

 

They read through the text a few times before the meaning sank in. A sudden urge to phone Namjoon took them over and before they could doubt themselves, they were phoning him, listening to the ringing until, finally, he picked up.

"Hello?" Suga felt like their heart had stopped. They hadn't thought this through. “Yoo- Are you there?”

“Yeah...” Suga whispered, “I’m here.” They had no idea what to say, where to start, how in any way they could approach it. The silence drew out between them. Suga listened to the sound of their own breathing, lost, unsure, until finally, Namjoon cleared his throat.

“What should...” he began, hesitating, and starting over, “what do you want me to call you?” Suga felt like Namjoon had just lifted a weight off their shoulders, just that tiny bit of understanding from someone that they knew didn't know that much about gender meant so much to them.

“I-” they found themselves speechless, “I would like it if you could call me Suga when you talk to me,” they breathed, nerves still tinging their tone.

“Okay Suga,” he replied, and the sudden validation Suga felt in response blindsided them, “I don't really know what's the right thing to say, so I'll just say what I said before. I'm not gonna force you to say anything. I'll let you tell me in your own time, okay? I don't want to make assumptions, so I'm trying not to. Just know that I care about you okay.” They still couldn't find their voice, stunned. They had always known that Namjoon was thoughtful, well spoken, but they had never truly been on the receiving end of his wisdom before.

“Thank you,” they whispered, “I'm not... I'm not a woman, Namjoon, but I'm not a guy either. I'm just... me.” Namjoon made an affirmative sound but didn't interrupt. “I just am... I'm sorry, I phoned you but I don't think I can explain right now.”

“That's okay,” their friend replied, “Tell me Yoongi - I'm sorry, uh - Suga, are you nonbinary?” Suga found themself even more surprised. They had no idea that Namjoon even knew the term, but then again it was Namjoon.

“Yeah, kinda,” they said, trailing off again. The stress of being out to all of their closest friends at once had really shaken them, it felt like someone had just pulled a rug from beneath their feet and their emotions were all over the place. They were suddenly so, so tired.

“Do you want me to use different pronouns then?” Namjoon asked.

“Maybe,” Suga murmured, the lethargy they were experiencing even seeming to slow their voice. “I gotta go, I'm sorry. I'll message you sometime.”

“Okay, take care,” was the last thing they heard before they hung up, sinking back into the sofa for a good, hard, ugly cry, their phone slipping from their hand and striking the floor by their feet.

**Author's Note:**

> _This took a very long time to write (2 years) because it was incredibly personal._   
>  _And, as I discovered whilst writing it, it was that personal element - that little bit of my soul that I poured out into this piece of work - that made it so painful and sad and difficult to write._   
>  _I hope that you enjoyed it all the same._   
>  _~ Ally_


End file.
